If your date didn’t pay for your coffee on a first date, would you go on a second date?
You can check the answer of the people under the question at Quora “he didn’t pay for my coffee“
If your date didn’t pay for your coffee on a first date, would you go on a second date?
You can check the answer of the people under the question at Quora “he didn’t pay for my coffee“
I am more concerned with an ongoing pattern of stinginess. I’m not particularly concerned with who pays for what.
It’s been my experience that people who are unnecessarily stingy with money are also stingy with other aspects of their life. They just don’t share well, they don’t give easily. I am not interested in being too close to these sorts of people, dating or otherwise.
Absolutely not.
In fact, this exact situation happened to me.
Late last year, guy I connect with online who lives in my area invited me for coffee. He said he wanted to meet a 6pm but by 5pm he texted and said he got there early. I texted back and told him I would then meet him early and arrived around fifteen minutes later.
When I arrived, he was sitting at a table with his laptop and a cup of coffee. He looked up when I walked in, we hugged, and then I set my purse down. Not once did he offer to buy the coffee after the small talk ended. It was just awkward and I said, “Well, I will go and get something (at the counter).” I was hoping he’d “get the clue” and offer to accompany me and buy my drink. He didn’t.
I got the smallest cup of hot cocoa I could buy, promptly drank it, and left.
Later he messaged me asking how I was. Anyone who knows me knows that I don’t beat around the bush. I told him the following:
“I am good thanks. You know, you invited me for coffee. We met on a dating website. I’m not quite sure what your intentions are, but if you are looking to…
No. It’s not really about the money. It’s about the kind of person the guy is. Decent guys generally will pay. Stingy cheap or angry rude guys refuse to pay and that’s how it is. I bought a date a beer once bc he really had no money and showed me but he was also a creep in a different way. He talked abt how he and his brother got ice cream days ago. If he can get that he can get a 3.00 beer. I’ve had guys spend money on alcohol or buy me drinks at least they have some class and decency or buy flowers.
I just went on a date with a loser who asked if I wanted a drink but then said separate checks in the end after asking me what I wanted to do. I said it doesn’t matter. He showed his lack of class by saying separate checks. He’s a nurse with money who can’t buy a nice female a five dollar beer? What a scumbag. He refused a yoga class earlier bc it cost 20.00. He didn’t want to get food and I knew I’d have to pay for my food and was going to get my own drink until the retard loser jumped in and pretended he was buying me one. Idiots and scum like this just want to bring women down. It has nothing to do with money. Just run from these jerks. They’re just playing games and trying to treat you like crap or steal your power. Men will give gold diggers or jerks thousands of dollars or even buy them dinner but try to bring down nice good women.
This isn’t a question of man/woman dynamic for me. It’s a basic kindness and etiquette sort of thing. Regardless of if it’s a friend or a date. If someone invites you to dinner or coffee… invite implies that it’s their treat. If you ask someone to join you for a dinner or a gathering… it’s assumed you pay for yourself.
For me, regardless… if I ask a friend or a date to go out with me, I’ll treat. It’s a basic kindness and a coffee doesn’t cost that much.
When you’re dating, you need to show the other person you’re invested in connecting with them and in spending time with them. If you ask them on a date and don’t pay for a $5 coffee… it only tells the other person you’re not even willing to invest pocket change to get to know them. It shows a person you don’t value they and their time.
Also, women spend hours upon hours getting ready for a casual date and spend crazy time and money on waxing and shaving and makeup and clothes to look great for those basic dates… when a man throws something on in 5min. So for women, it can be a deal breaker when she invested so much time and money already in just meeting you… and you can’t even show up and spend a few dollars.
For me, if a date doesn’t offer to pay… I will. Even if it’s a more expensive dinner. As I think it’s bad form to divide the bill on a date. I had this the other night even… didn’t buy my coffee. We walk and asks me if I want to go to dinner nearby. Still doesn’t offer to pay at the table. I paid the whole bill. Will I go to dinner with them again? Probably not. Not unless they do something to reciprocate… like pay for icecream or the movie or whatever.
Any time a man pays… I will always offer to pay for the next activity. If he gets dinner… I’ll pay the tip and treat the movie or the icecream… or the coffee later that week. Whatever it is… every time a date pays… I’ll reciprocate with the next thing. They know that I value their investment and appreciate their paying and that I’m meeting them back. I don’t expect someone to pay for everything always. A first coffee date though is a minor cost and a first impression… so I think it’s important.
Obviously yes,if the guy I meet is someone is great :). It doesn’t matter who pays, what matters is the connect. I don’t go out on a date to enjoy a cup of free coffee. I go to know the guy and meet him. Its not about first or second date, it doesn’t matter if I have to pay for the second date too. 🙂
He or she who asks the other out should pay. If a girl calls a man and asks him to meet her for coffee or drinks or whatever, she pays the bill.
Once you’re there, you can accept this generosity or you can offer to pay for your own drink or even offer to pay for both drinks. It’s completely up to you. She will draw her own conclusions about your behavior/reactions, and that’s just part of getting to know each other.
On the other hand, if you asked her to go somewhere with you, and you don’t pay out of your pocket – well, then what the heck are you asking someone out for? If you can’t afford it, then you have no business asking someone to meet you anyplace that costs money.
If you’re hung up on whether he paid for your coffee, you should not go on a second date. It was either a terrible date, or you’re too shallow to be dating anyone. A date is about two people getting to know each other, not how they can use each other.
Did they offer to buy you coffee? Or did they just want to meet for coffee? What kind of date did you agree to? If you expect him to pay, what should he expect in return? A coffee date is about as cheap as it gets. Why not spend your own $2 and eliminate any expectations on the date altogether? Take full advantage of the nature of a coffee date. You don’t have to dress up, you don’t have to act nice, and you can leave at any time. In a way, it could be a much more valuable date than if he had bought you a fancy dinner.
Dinner dates are another story. You could still agree to go Dutch, but by convention women tend to put more effort and expense into just appearing for dinner. A man should assume he’s paying for dinner unless stated otherwise.
The question alone makes you sound very shallow. I understand that in some cultures, especially in asian ones, it’s very important that the guy show that they are financially stable and can support their partner. And to show this they pay for everything. But that thought process is extremely outdated imo, and goes hand in hand with the wife doing all the household chores. Yuck!
Did you ask him out on a date? If so you should have paid for his coffee too….
Was it clear that this was a date? Could it be that you thought you were on a date, and he thought he was just enjoying a cup of coffee with a (potential) friend? Granted i’m passive aggressive, but if i was out with someone that I think might be interested and the feelings were not mutual, I would pay for my own meal/drink. I would shove cash at him to cover my portion if he got the bill before I did. Could it be that he just wasn’t into you?
That said, I am old fashioned. I find it weird when couples split checks. My boyfriend and I have been taking turns paying whenever we eat out for the last 8 years. When he was in between jobs, I made sure to cover the more expensive checks, and left the fast food to him. If you’re questioning whether or not to go on a second date based on the few bucks you had to pay for your own cup of coffee the chemistry probably wasn’t there to start with. If you really liked him, i don’t think you would care.
They asked me out on a date . They should pay. It’s coffee, for goodness sake !
For me, it would depend on the kind of date. If we meet at a café where the service is at the counter, I would probably buy my own, and expect him to buy his own. If the service is at the table and he offers to split, I take it for a lack of interest.
If we meet elsewhere, then go for a coffee, I expect him to pay – otherwise take it as he is not interested.
I would not reject friendship with the guy, if we had a nice time, but would not “date” him again.
Not if he’s the one who asked for the date. If I asked, I’d pay. I don’t expect to be going on any first dates anymore anyway.
I feel the same about suggesting lunch to a new friend. Then we can trade off.
American guy here. If you know anything about dating Americans it’s that most girls are selfish and rarely pay for dates. If she doesn’t offer to pay for anything within 3 dates it’s over for me. This is especially true for Gen X, my generation, where the girls claim to be “modern” but are actually still stuck in the 1940s.
I want to date a team player, not some child I have to take care of. And I don’t like people who pretend they are modern when their actions show otherwise.
Yes. I do not consider a romantic relationship to be an economic transaction.
I do not try to buy love and I do not expect someone else to buy me. It seems to me that if the most important factor in your date is the flow of money, you’re paying attention to the wrong things.
I’ve been on dates where I paid, I’ve been on dates where she paid, I’ve been on dates where we both paid. I don’t care how the monetar…
Yeah – I am male and I don’t expect to have my stuff payed for like an entitled little princess (frankly that is what women tell me – “I am an entitled little princess looking for a sugar daddy!” – when they don’t even pull out their wallet (I might not take them up on it, but not even being ready to pay for their coffee etc.? Yeah, go away I don’t want to see you again anyway! This is my quality control check (you fail if you don’t even try to pay!)! Frankly emancipation goes both ways! You can’t expect to be taken seriously as an independent woman if you expect to have your stuff payed for by men (while you complain that they supposedly earn more money than you do…which is BS by the way – just look it up yourself, I don’t want to be accused of providing biased information! Just google stuff like “wage gap debunked” etc.))
Well, I’ve never had a date pay for my coffee but that’s because I have always paid for dates, give or take a few when it’s been my birthday or something and they insist. I’m married now and I still pay for everything when we go out and I don’t like my wife doing so because it makes me feel like I look like a douche even if she’s paying with a credit card with my name on it. What guy enjoys sitting there while his wife pays? I will never understand this. Men are supposed to be providers and when we can’t provide we feel less of a man. When you take a woman out and treat her to a wonderful evening, it just feels good. I don’t like the feeling I get when a woman offers to pay, I find it insulting. To me she might as well say “you look broke” or “I don’t find you very attractive”. I just don’t like it. Most guys I know who complain about paying are usually misogynistic and complain about women constantly, sometimes saying pretty vile things. If a guy can’t pay for your coffee or doesn’t want to, what kind of life are you going to have with him? Why waste your time? If you end up in a relationship with someone who won’t spend $2 on you, trust me, it’s only going to get worse on down the road. If he’s poor, then I feel bad for the guy, but he should instead buy you the coffee and just have water. That’s how you treat a lady in your company and how you keep your dignity. If he doesn’t have $2 to spare he could invite you to go for a walk at the park, it’s free and there is no awkwardness for either of you.
I don’t mind if we split the bill or if he paid. I have no problem with it.
If the question ask for sign of stingyness, I had worst experience than splitting bill on first date.
If they didn’t at least offer to pay, then I probably wouldn’t.
I’m more than willing to pay for a meal or a coffee, even with friends who are not potential romantic partners. If it’s the first time with someone though, I consider it a matter of courtesy for the other person to at least feign willingness to pay.
A date who lets me pay without a word or a thank-you is probably not the kind of person I want to be with.
Am I correct to assume you are the lady and your date is a man? What if you are both male? Or both female? The traditional gender roles when going out on a date are washing away more quickly than you’d think (and not as fast as I’d like). I believe each person paying for their portion on the first date shows integrity and balances the financial power play. Continuing the courtship and during the relationship, the one that makes more money usually pays more often unless there is an agreement between the two that expenses should always be equally divided.
I know I am going off topic, just to say that once there is trust and comfort established, I’d like to think that finances become one and then it will not be one paying for the other but one paying out of a common source that belongs to the two of them.
Probably not. Unless he said he was short on cash and was sorry about it. I don’t like cheap people as a rule.
Yes, but probably more likely with a guy that at least offered to pay. That being said, I’m the type of person that likes to split dates until we’re in a relationship, at which point taking turns is nice.
Being male, I think this question probably isn’t aimed at me, but I’d like to add my two cents anyway.
My first thought on this is that it’s the 21st century, and the old societal norms are breaking down. “The man always pays” really shouldn’t be thought of as a universal rule anymore.
So, your date didn’t pay for your coffee. The “why” is really key. If they begrudged the money, that’s bad. If they thought you looked rich, so you should pay, that’s bad. But if your date has already let you know that they don’t have a lot of spending cash right now so they’d like to establish a pattern of each person paying for their own, that’s fine. This might be a deal-breaker for someone who desires a partner who has lots of money, but for most people it shouldn’t be cause for too much alarm. It especially shouldn’t be too much of an issue when your date is a student or at some other phase of life when money is tight.
I just can’t imagine someone having a great time on the date, having a great connection, and then throwing it all away because he didn’t pay for their coffee. This seems really silly to me. Also, it’s not like you can’t ask about it. A simple “hey, I’m all right picking up my own check but I wanted to ask you: what’s your policy on who pays for a date?” can dispense with the mystery right then and there.
I’m recently married, but I did my fair share of dating in the past, including dozens of coffee dates with folks I’d met online. I always came prepared to pay for the date, but I’d say I didn’t end up paying for them for well over half of these. Some of the women were insistent that they could pay for themselves, which was nice. More commonly though was that we’d arrive at different times and ordered drinks separately, simple as that.
Lastly, I would say that this is part of a bad pattern to judge a person too closely based on one encounter. One date, particularly a coffee date, is not necessarily a good basis for judging another person. Paying for coffee is one of a thousand transactions that person makes in a year…it’s not a great way to judge their character, or even their level of generosity. If you liked them as a person, go on a second date and use that to make a more informed opinion.
If i liked them. I always get my own tea, or icecream or fish and chips or whatever it is. Occasionally a guy will insist on paying. In that case i let him. But i go on 3 or 4 dates a week. Its only fair i pay for my own.
I try to pay for half on the date, so I wouldn’t mind. I think it’s weird to expect the guy to pay for me. I work, I have money. I like chivalry but it’s a bit much to demand he pay for the honor of my company.
After some dating experiences I can say that no, I would not.
Unless he/she is from a different culture than mine. Then, I may go to Quora and find out more about his/her culture before deciding. Let me clarify, where I am from if you say “let’s go for coffee!” the other person will immediately ask you “ are you inviting me? Like a date? or you want me to go with you just for company? ” If you say that you are inviting, it means that you are paying. However, if you say that you just want some friend company the other person gets to decide if he/she can afford to go to that place and if he/she feels like “going for coffee.” Most people here eat home made food and have no need to eat out in restaurants so inviting someone to a restaurant is a social thing unless you are coworkers o classmates and actually need to get some fast food because you cannot go home for some reason.
Going back to the “invitation” part. The norm here is that if you invite someone you have to specify what your intentions are. People do not assume that you are going to pay, but they not assume that they have to pay either. Everyone is very straightforward most of the time. Like I mentioned earlier, they will ask you. It is not rude to reject the invitation saying “sorry, I am short of money.” Then if the other person if really interested in dating you or if it is a friend that really appreciates you, he/she gets to decide if he/she can afford to invite you and pay for you.
I never assume anything, unless I already know the friend in which case I know I will be paying for my stuff. If that friend suddenly decides to pay for me, it is a signal that this friend might be interested in dating me, so again I will have to clarify this aspect and look for other signals and decide if I am interested.
So, if someone invited me or I already asked what his/her intentions were and he/she said “I am inviting you” but later he/she refuses to pay for my coffee I would be pissed off. My gosh! I would be angry! Because when someone invites me I usually choose something that is not very expensive instead of something that I might like more but that is more expensive. I do this out of politeness to the other person. However, If I knew that I was paying, I would just buy whatever I like without caring too much for the cost. I could have used that money to complete for the thing I prefer or I could have just eaten at home; my mom’s food (and coffee) taste better anyway.
This is what I would be thinking: “I came here just because this person wanted me to come, otherwise I would not be here. I might have gone to another place that I like more. Or I might have gone out with my friends, which are by far more cool than this person who invites other people out and is so cheap that then says he/she cannot pay for them. He/she should have said it from the beginning. Oh wait he/she did it! This person said “I am inviting you,” what the f* is wrong with him/her? I can afford just a limit of dates during the month because my family is strict and we do not have money and I wasted it. Oh well, I will never see this person again. Let’s finish my cheap coffee and go away quickly.” Also, we usually pay for the food before eating, so that is a plus. I get to decide how much time I am going to spend there.
The opposite is also true, if the other person already specified that he/she just wants the company, he/she is most probably just a friend and he/she (I am getting tired of writing he/she, this is why I prefer Spanish) most likely would have already say “I want to go with you, but you pay for your stuff!” so going out and expecting the other person to pay would be extremely rude. The other person may pay if you say you did not bring any money, but do not expect another invitation, like ever (unless you are like me that forget my purse and then I have to repay my friends, and I do repay).
So, in a society VERY straightforward in the economical aspect, I have found out that people who deviate from this unwritten rules are cheap and will only make you waste money eating in places you do not want to eat and going to places you may not like. Most of these people will be asking you to pay for their stuff short after. What do people who like you but are really poor do? They invite you to a park to talk and most of the time have the decency to pay the first date when they “invite” you out, and in that date stating their economical situation by saying something like “I do not have a lot of money, but I really like you. I would like to go out more with you. If you like me too, I hope we can make it work.” I have had this happened to me, and I have accepted because it was a nice and honest person and I felt he deserved the chance.
I belong to those people, who do not believe that guys should pay always. Reference – Ask any of my friends
So, if i had to pay for my coffee on first date, why won’t i go on second date too, if the guy is great with me?
Had i needed that i shouldn’t pay for my coffee, i’d rather date a coffee machine!!!
Source : Google it out
Any time I go out for coffee/dinner with someone, I find myself paying as a matter of principle.
Why?
Well personally, I feel a lot more comfortable doing that than awkwardly expecting someone else to cover me financially. I would feel indebted to the other party, and outright awful that there’s a social convention that dictates a person should or shouldn’t pay for something depending on the circumstance. This ties into relationships a lot, I feel, so I’m determined to not stray down the well-beaten path of arguing over money.
I don’t do it because I’m a guy and as such should pay for things when on a date.
I do it because I have the money to spare and not the slightest care in the world when it comes to mind games. Particularly when it comes to money, given that’s often the bane of people’s existence. I’m there to connect with another human being, not solicit a financial transaction.
If the other person is worth seeing as a friend or prospective partner into the future, they’ll either immediately offer to pay you back or use it as an opportunity to balance out the apparent one-sidedness by covering the bill next time. It speaks to their sense of fairness, and obviously whether or not they’re interested in continuing the interaction.
A great segue into a second date, might I add.
No I wouldn’t. If he can’t think to buy a cup of coffee for you on the date he asked you out on, then he probably isn’t going to be very thoughtful.
I’m a guy, whenever I am invited to go on a date, whether it’s the first date or second date, I ended up paying anyway. Whether it’s my invitation or the ladies inviting, I always offer to pay, unless she insisting that she’s paying. I guess, I’m old school. Even going out with my guy friends, I always try to offer to pay. But my rule of thumb is, if hanging out with guy friends and he’s trying to mooch off of me, then he’s no longer my choice of friends.
Victor Allen’s
I rarely go on or accept dates if I don’t think I can afford to pay for my half of the date. I also go on dates with the expectation that my date will NOT pay for me.
So unless he was rude about not paying for my coffee in some way, I wouldn’t write him off for not paying for my half of the date.
Then again I tend to base whether or not I accept a second date on all that transpired on the date, not just whether or not the guy saved me from spending a few bucks on coffee.
It’s a pleasant surprise if the guy pays, but not expected. Nor does a guy paying automatically put him in the “yes” category for a second date.
It’s up to the individual how much weight they want to give to their date spending a few dollars for their cup of coffee though or not.
Peet’s
If I like him, sure. I prefer to pay my own way with someone I don’t know well to keep things fair and so there’s no sense of obligation.
I see many responses taking both sides of the issue. Unless things have changed in the few years I decided to stop dating, the current dating etiquette is that whoever does the asking foots the bill. The only exception to this is prior to the date it is agreed upon to go “Dutch.”
Some women prefer going Dutch as a principal to avoid a possible issue of “owing” the other. Others prefer being “old fashioned.” When I dated, I was the latter partly because of my age/generation being older, partly because I was a single mom with less disposable income, etc.
Chosing not to go on another date with someone who asked you out and did not pay is perfectly fine when you have certain standards, beliefs. You are most likely looking for someone with similar standards and beliefs. No harm, no foul, no thank you and have a nice day.
I wouldn’t because he is not a gentleman. If he has no money he could have come up with a free activity like walking in the park.
Yes, I would. I usually ask to split the bill and if the guy says something to the effect of men should be the ones paying – there won’t be a second date. If they paid ’cause they picked the place or did the asking out, that’s fine. However, in the long run, I’d prefer to share expenses and responsibilities. I’m definitely not okay with someone who insists on paying for me, for no better reason than their gender.
Eight O’Clock
It’s a complicated set of meta-messages.
It isn’t about paying for coffee.
If a man asks a woman on a date — or a coffee date — it’s generally expected that he will pay for the date.
If a man asks a woman out for coffee, and she suggests an expensive restaurant instead, is the expectation the same? This should be sorted out before the date.
Conversely, some women will offer to pay for the coffee, while the expectation still is that the man will pay.
And some women will offer to pay for the coffee — or insist on paying for the coffee — because of a perceived message that accepting a cup of coffee implies some type of obligation the woman has to the man.
I definitely would entertain the notion, but there likely would not be a second date and not for the reasons that most think.
I am sensitive to other people’s time and money. Even though a man might have an abundance of both, I dislike feeling beholden to a stranger I may never see again, even if it’s only for a few bucks. I consider coffee dates and most casual lunch dates first connections to determine if I want to see that person in a more formal and serious setting—a proper date -date.
And I’ll probably pay for my own. If my coffee date tries to pick up the tab, I’ll fight him for it and not relent unless he’s quite insistent. I appreciate men who are old-fashioned enough and courteous enough to pay for coffee when they’re the ones who invited me out in the first place. This is just good form.
But if I’m offering to go Dutch and in fact insist on it, it’s not a very good sign that I want to see someone on a second date. Or, I feel conflicted about it. Allowing someone to pay for my coffee or lunch without a struggle indicates, Yes, I definitely do want to see you again.
why not. it clearly shows my partner beleivws in equality and he/she is strong and independent
As a boomer, the custom used to be that a man would pay. I understand that paying for repeated meals gets expensive. But for a 1st date, for a tea or coffee, I would hope the man would pay. I’ve spent time and money in primping and prepping for the date. So I think that paying for a small coffee is reasonable.
Dunkin’